So, I’ve been working on this piece about the various apocalypses that never happened in our time for HG. The end of the world has always been this morbid fascination of mine. It’s much like when I was a little kid and obsessed with mummies and Cher; this was pre-internet, and I went to the library and checked out dozens of books, oggling at pictures of ancient wrapped up bodies while listening to “Do You Believe in Life After Love?” on repeat. Needless to say, my childhood was weird.
Strangely enough, while I was brainstorming for my article on Friday, a meteorite hit Russia. Either I am the messiah, or that was a crazy coincidence. It was also revealed and essentially confirmed recently, that the dinosaurs were definitely wiped out by a meteorite (meteor? asteroid?) that hit what was Mexico. They probably didn’t see THAT coming. Luckily for us, we have religious leaders and prophets that can foresee that kind of crazy shit, right?
OKAY, anyway. So I’ve been thinking about the end of the world, and how it really could happen any day if the universe wanted, and instead of feeling sad, I’ve just been fantasizing about all the things I would do before that happened, assuming I knew about it ahead of time. Such as…
1. Fly to Japan and learn how to make sushi from a wise sushi chef.
Because I love sushi.
2. Get a pixie cut like Ginnifer Goodwin
I think Ginnifer looks like the cutest cursed-world Snow White ever. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, Hulu Once Upon A Time. Yes, I just utilized Hulu as a verb. I’ve always wondered what I would look like with really short hair, but I’m too scared I’ll look ugly, so I’ve never tried it. Right now, my hair is past my boobs and it’s pretty much always been that way. Some years I get spontaneous and trim it a few inches.
3. Get married somewhere cool, like the Grand Canyon or the Great Wall of China
Basically, I’ve been putting off planning a wedding because I just started grad school and I’m trying to formulate some kind of career after I graduate. I have three different part-time jobs and a writing gig, so I have no time to breathe, let alone plan a wedding.
4. Tell my co-worker off
My co-worker is the worst. Some days I fantasize going off on her, letting her know that she’s an incredibly rude, obnoxious person. We went and got lunch on our last day at work before winter break and she refused to tip, declaring that the waitress didn’t do anything special. I was totally shocked and put down extra money, and when she saw me doing that she said, “Well I could sure use that extra money.”
5. Max out my credit cards on an Oscars-worthy dress
And wear it around my living room, or the grocery store. I am talking GLITTER and RED.
6. Read Infinite Jest and visit the restaurant that killed David Foster Wallace
Well, at least definitely go to the restaurant. Which apparently serves Persian food and is called Walter’s and didn’t directly kill him, but poisoned him and made him go off his meds, which in turn, made him super suicidal.
7. Go to the state fair and ride all the sketchy rides
You know, the ones that look like they’re about to break and get stuck while you are a thousand feet up in the air and upside down. Yeah. Those. Go on all of them.
8. While I’m at it, eat deep fried Oreos
Because who cares about heart disease at this point!
9. Go back to my high-school and thank my teachers
Teaching is hard. Teaching well is even harder, and I know that now. Guiding a bunch of emotional teens with earphones glued to their eardrums is tough work.
10. Burn my journals I’ve kept since tween years
Because if they somehow survive the apocalypse, I don’t want anyone knowing what a massive crush on Eminem I had and how convinced I was that my flat chest was keeping me away from attaining true love.
Is this list a compilation of things I would do if I were brave? Am I not fearless enough? Do I not seize the day often enough? Am I not living life to the “fullest’? Should I convert to Existentialism? Should I stop blogging while I’m at work? Am I going to get fired?
And yes, I would tell everyone I loved them. I would dye my hair pink. I would go swimming in the Pacific one last time. I would finally watch Casablanca. I would come up with the most radical metaphors and graffiti them all over San Diego. Watch out, world.