Things I Am Guilty Of

  • Driving too slow on the freeway when I’m changing cds/tracks/radio stations
  • Driving too fast on the freeway when I’m bored and just want to be where I want and becoming angry with people who are driving too slow but probably are just switching the station or trying to enjoy a sandwich.
  • Buying a new nail polish every single time I’m at CVS or Target even though I have over 100 nail polishes
  • Ordering too many books off Amazon because I’m too ambitious
  • Deciding there is no such thing as being “too ambitious” and going for it until I have an ambition hangover and have to nap for awhile
  • Being irrationally frightened by phone numbers I don’t recognize and refusing to pick up the phone when they are calling me.
  • Avoiding calling the doctor to make appointments
  • Actively yelling in parking lots because I hate them so much
  • Losing my car in the parking lot and being on the verge of tears as I walk around looking for my long lost Camry like a child who has been abandoned by their neglecting family
  • Trying clothes on that look almost okay in the fitting room but then disastrous in real life after I pay for them
  •  Liking Justin Beiber’s new song
  • Unsubscribing from Cosmo because all the cover girls are practically younger than me
  • Lying on those questionnaires you fill out at the doctor’s office when they ask how many times a week you exercise.
  • Still sweeping everything under my bed that I don’t feel like cleaning or organizing
  • Being put to deep sleep by Middlemarch
  • Using the term “organically” when referencing line breaks and hoping I sound more academic
  • Trying to get into Keeping up with the Kardashians on Netflix. Like, actively.
  • Exaggerating. I exaggerate a lot.
  • Ordering Shirley Temples at bars when I don’t feel like drinking
  • Knowing way more celebrity gossip than I should
  • Not doing my laundry right now
  • Hating Thomas Pynchon and thinking his work is very un-funny
  • Thinking about what happens when we die and then experiencing a full blown anxiety attack when I realize probably nothing and that our minds are biologically unable to grasp what “nothing” actually is in terms of our biological lives.
  • Pretending I know more about science than I do
  • Pretending I know more about Buddhism than I do
  • Liking Perks of Being a Wallflower more as a movie than a book.
  • Owning more cardigans than I actually wear
  • Buying granola at the grocery store and then only eating half of it because I’ll run out of yogurt and granola by itself is kind of pointless
  • Being scared I’ll never make it as a writer
  • Being scared I’ll make it as a writer but lose my genius after my first book
  • Imaging Chuck Klosterman writing my first blurb on the back of my book
  • Not actually reading the New Yorker but considering myself the type of person who would.
  • I’m not 100% sure about my bra size.

Wow, that’s a lot of internalizing there. Enjoy being inside my brain!!